I have a complicated relationship with physical looks.

I have never felt comfortable with being admired simply for my arguable, definitively late-blooming physical beauty.  I have always felt that affection is a function of what I do (test well, run fast, work hard) rather than what I look like.  Plus, my mother was not a fan of anything connected to beauty; my older sister and I were told we looked like sluts whenever we so much as looked at a Bonne Bell Lip Smacker.

And so it continues:  flashes of negative thoughts about other women dash through my brain whenever I see too much artificial cleavage, a French manicure, or an obviously bottled blonde.  (I had a hard time not including the class-ridden word “trashy” in the previous sentence.)  Just as my mom called me a slut if I dressed outside of the Puritan box, so too do I quickly dismiss women who wear their glamour and sensuality with ease.

I have made much progress from my days of wearing baggy boy-cut clothes, but I struggle with not only my own evolution, but also that towards which I am evolving.  Do I want to be a woman who exudes newscaster authority?  Wouldn’t it be nice to be admired simply for being put together and unabashedly female?  Will I ever stop judging other women who don’t hide their sexuality?

To be sure, I recognize that much of my childhood and social programming is that which makes me turn my criticisms back towards myself whenever I try and look pretty (”You can’t wear that; it’s slutty!” or “Who do you think you are trying to look cute?!”).  But I also recognize that my deeper life goals

• To have a family
• To make a positive difference in the world

will be more easily achieved if I give a nod towards truths about humans

• Men are visual creatures
• People listen more to “authority figures” and authority is more easily conferred to those who fit a certain physical mold

So what I am struggling with much these days relates to beauty and, more specifically, feeling comfortable with evolving into a woman who lets herself be as beautiful as she can possibly be.

At the last DinnerGrrls.org dinner in New York, a fellow DinnerGrrl said, “I used to worry about wearing dresses to work, as anything feminine had a connection to weakness for me.  But then I realized, I can wear a dress on the outside, and still wear a suit on the inside.”  I liked this so much that I quickly reorganized my closet, moving my “summer weekend dresses” onto clothes hangers previously reserved strictly for office-wear.  (One of my clients didn’t recognize me as I walked into her office one day in a dress!)  And I realized that for me, wearing a dress on the outside allowed me to wear a much better suit on the inside — I was more approachable, friendlier, and all around felt a softer stance vis a vis the universe (quote unquote).

And at the first DinnerGrrls.org event in New York this summer, the Table Topic nametag that I wore read:

if you could change one thing about the way you look what would it be

At the time, I thought, “Well gosh, I love me just the way I am!” And it is true that I love me, as-is.  But I am increasingly acknowledging the voice of truth-telling humans, as well as the voice of me (minus the programmed self-flagellation).  Simply put: it would be fun to trot around looking like a beauty queen, and it would be nice to have bigger boobs.

But only, of course, if these things don’t prevent me from testing well, running fast, and working hard.  And being me.

Share your thoughts on beauty below.  You can also sound off in the DinnerGrrls.org Beauty & Fashion forum.